in retrospect

from by snow albedo

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lyrics

i regret telling you all the things that I've never told anyone else.
and I regret showing you all the music that I've never shown anyone else before.
cause now it feels like there's a complete stranger out there who knows everything about me and is listening to all the music I can't listen to anymore.

and I hate them.
i hate them.
and I love them.
i love them

i regret lying awake every night just thinking about you.
and I regret all the potential hours of sleep that I wasted on you.
i regret writing you all those long, contrived, pseudo-poetic confessions of how much I loved you every night.
and I regret ever feeling happy for the first time in a long time just cause i had you in my life.

and I hate you.
i hate you.
and I love you.
i love you.

due to my ineptitude when it came to physical relationships, it was like we were more just like really good friends with an unconventional sense of boundaries.
so why then on that long, cold night when you casually said that's all you wanted to be.
why did I feel like I had lost something that we never had in the first place, you and me.

now we have nothing.
now we have nothing at all.
and I miss something.
i miss having anything at all.

you were the only person I could ever vocalize my feelings to.
now I have no one to pathetically purge to about how I miss you.
and I can't just go out -- and even if I did -- even if I just went out and found someone new, everything I did with them would just feel like a rehashed version of all the things I did with you.
in the same sequence.
and with the same emotional relapse.
from confessing all my secrets,
'till the inevitable collapse.

and I hate that.
i fucking hate that.
and I want that.
i'll never stop myself from wanting that again.

credits

from the opposite of comfy, released December 17, 2016

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snow albedo Ontario

sad white guy reading his diary over clumsily played acoustic guitar.

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