the opposite of comfy

by snow albedo

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released December 17, 2016



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snow albedo Ontario

sad white guy reading his diary over clumsily played acoustic guitar.

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Track Name: vulnerable intimacy
a month feels so long,
when i am talking to you, forever feels like no time at all.
and now that five forevers end, i get defensive and
jealous when your name is spoken by one of my friends.
tell me what you thought of me,
in the light of the tv, lying on the basement floor unconsciously breathing.

out in the thick winter air, afraid of going anywhere,
slowly swaying on cold swings with snowflakes in our hair.
i remember how we were excited for the warm weather,
now i lie alone outside and long for last winter;
the smell of a brief timid hug, all the words that weren't enough,
walking home alone made me feel like i was in love.

vulnerable intimacy, hesitant transparency,
opening up to someone you thought would stay the same.
frigid sociopathy, all the things you've done to me.
only someone who gives you all can take it away.
Track Name: side character
i wanna be a side character in somebody else's life.
i wanna be out the door before the protagonist turns off the lights.
make jokes on the side while he kisses the girl,
never be expected to contribute to the world
i wanna be a side character in somebody else's life.

i wanna be the comic relief of a main storyline.
never express any appropriate emotions at any given time.
start innocent relationships that never seem to end
with lots of perfect humans you'll never see again.
i wanna be the comic relief of a main storyline.

i don't want the hassles of saving the day
or falling in love with the girl.
i wanna make no more than 40K annually
and have a voice that's seldom heard.
i wanna dress modestly and act positively
and be as average as average can be.
cause it's better than trying to be a better me.

i wanna be a running gag character that everybody likes.
receded to the background with the exception of saying my line.
to the critical reception of a chorus of guffaws,
the rolling of eyes and the laughing-track pause.
i wanna be a running gag character that everybody likes.

i wanna be incredibly surrounded and incredibly alone.
be playfully laughed at when out of my suburban home.
be aimless and gifted, neurotic and calm,
morally ambivalent -- neither right or wrong.
i wanna be incredibly surrounded and incredibly alone.
Track Name: wide awake in a downtown apartment
i'm in your guest room, smothered in white blankets, bathed in the soft light of the city -- its sounds cradling me gently to sleep. and then you retire to your bed (drunk on bad wine) to find that it's still empty, for only the fourteenth time. then you start wailing and penetrating the thin veil of your faux masculinity, each cry cutting my heart like a knife. I'm in a cold sweat, stomach churning, blood flowing slowly. and I cannot stop this, each silence sequence a numb sense of peace. the muffled expressions of your novel heartbreak are offensive to what I once thought and still think you are. i miss the subtle and passive sighs of when we were awake, replacing emotion dialogue with silence not to break for all the things that have been thrown away, all the reasons nothing will be the same. trying to turn everything into poetry inside my head. there's no deeper meaning, no one will ever hear this again, you've spoiled the unspoken connection, I'll never hear the torturous bewails, three years later and I still feel the same.
Track Name: self-deprecation illustration
physically, socially, and sexually inept,
my post-ironic tendencies are just flaws I won’t accept.
my unemployment saves me the embarrassment of getting canned.
i spend my fridays listening to 90’s midwest emo bands.
one hand in a pringles can, the other in my cotton pants,
laughing at political cartoons that I don’t understand.
perverted and desensitized, unable to close my eyes
when I’m turning over pointless bullshit in my scattered mind.

disgusted by normality, affection and morality.
optimism, happy teens, all make me wanna fucking scream.
disagreeing with myself, indecisiveness is hell,
over-analytic nights I spend further closing my shell.
i’m cynical and skeptical, my frame; extraterrestrial.
hard to say I’m conscious, I live like a fucking vegetable.
i'm bed-ridden and closeted, apathetic, self-absorbed,
whining about my problems to starving children I ignore.

i think that everyone who says they like me is actually just
fetishizing the concept of me for shallow self-interest.
looking forward to then falling asleep at friend's receptions,
rehearsing conversations in my head that never will happen.
my life will be the death of me, lack of drive especially,
relating to my future, unambitious, hopeless legacy.
somehow simultaneously I absolutely hate myself
but still think that I'm in every way better than everyone else.
Track Name: in retrospect
i regret telling you all the things that I've never told anyone else.
and I regret showing you all the music that I've never shown anyone else before.
cause now it feels like there's a complete stranger out there who knows everything about me and is listening to all the music I can't listen to anymore.

and I hate them.
i hate them.
and I love them.
i love them

i regret lying awake every night just thinking about you.
and I regret all the potential hours of sleep that I wasted on you.
i regret writing you all those long, contrived, pseudo-poetic confessions of how much I loved you every night.
and I regret ever feeling happy for the first time in a long time just cause i had you in my life.

and I hate you.
i hate you.
and I love you.
i love you.

due to my ineptitude when it came to physical relationships, it was like we were more just like really good friends with an unconventional sense of boundaries.
so why then on that long, cold night when you casually said that's all you wanted to be.
why did I feel like I had lost something that we never had in the first place, you and me.

now we have nothing.
now we have nothing at all.
and I miss something.
i miss having anything at all.

you were the only person I could ever vocalize my feelings to.
now I have no one to pathetically purge to about how I miss you.
and I can't just go out -- and even if I did -- even if I just went out and found someone new, everything I did with them would just feel like a rehashed version of all the things I did with you.
in the same sequence.
and with the same emotional relapse.
from confessing all my secrets,
'till the inevitable collapse.

and I hate that.
i fucking hate that.
and I want that.
i'll never stop myself from wanting that again.
Track Name: hate song #3
i hate how I am when I'm with you
but I wanna be with you more.
so please tell me exactly what I said or did
to make you like me before.

i hate what I say when I talk to you
but I can't talk to anyone else.
so just let me keep talking 'till inevitably
i say something that doesn't make me wanna kill myself.

and I know that you know that I'm a mess.
but if we could just shut up and pretend that my
unconventional charm still exists.

i hate how you don't care about me
despite explicitly saying so.
you're just not obsessively possessive like me,
so I chalk that up to letting me go.

i hate how abruptly you ended
what you and I both thought was a
non-casual exploration into how
we could love another person this much.

gonna throw out all the records I no longer relate to
and overplay the ones I now do.
gonna rip up the valentine pinned to my board
and everything else that reminds me of you.
and I'd hope that for your sake that you do the same,
cause I don't wanna be in your life.

except that's all I want.
Track Name: it's okay
it's painful when you casually mention all the things i've been obsessing over for months on end.
friendship is passive aggressive and riddled with hesitation when juxtaposed to what had been.

sincerity is fucking killing me, it's hard to even breath when not behind a veil of irony, and if these words sound contrived or poorly articulated it's because they're in their thirteenth rehearsed draft.

staring into the holes of your jeans to your red and chafing skin made me feel turned on again.
focusing on my posture as you rant obnoxiously about some minor insignificance.

i hope that we never relate ourselves again to young adult characters under the same blanket watching twin peaks below a string of soft christmas lights in december inhaling each other till we fall asleep.

never met a girl who knew communist theory like the back of her hand, quoted shakespeare earnestly, listened to shitty lo-fi bands, hated all the same things as me, quelled my perpetual discomfort.
Track Name: always leaving, never going
i stepped outside, and the cold warmed me up. i now felt numb on the outside too. the lamppost buzzed, and shed orange light onto the pavement. i watched white violently fly in its glow. the moonlight reflected back into itself, and everything else. it illuminated my walk home. frozen glitter caked the sidewalk, skinny trees stood still. clusters of stars bled through the deep, soft sky. i hurt my neck looking up at them. outside my house and the screen door opaque with frost, i waited for the feelings of a cinematic trope to set in. silence rang in my ears, my heart beat evenly. the cold air pressed up against my face as i thought about all the things i didn't say. everything somehow felt too familiar. i knew i would feel something once this was over. always leaving, never going. always leaving, never going.